i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
