Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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