i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
