eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize