theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
