Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
