Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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