I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
