wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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