Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize