wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
