Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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