I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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