i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
