The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
