"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Acid is not a monday night drug
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
