it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
