I'm gonna have a badass scar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
