Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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