Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
