Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
