It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
