Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
