Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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