My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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