I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
