Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
