vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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