he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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