Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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