Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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