I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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