I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
