Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
