If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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