note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
