I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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