i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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