She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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