If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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