Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
