Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
