he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
