dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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