I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Less talking, more tequila
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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