Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
