I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
