there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
