Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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