Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
