there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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