I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm getting married
To pizza
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize