Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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