I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
