The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I need to stop coming to work sober
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
